It does not matter whether it’s a few hours, a few days, weeks, months, years or decades, even. Once you decide to be a mother, you become one and your life ceases to be what it once was.

Just recently, one of my college friends who just gave birth to her twins lost one of them. The little girl did not even make it out of the hospital. The news was truly devastating. But what do you say to a friend who has just lost a child, and whose life will never be the same again? that it was for the best? that at least she was still a baby and she hadn’t cared for her for long? Nothing. You just quietly weep, knowing how painful it is to lose a child you cared for in your womb, while uttering silent prayers that she will eventually be well enough to take care of her other baby. And that was what I did, because I know the harrowing feeling of not knowing what to do while your child suffers from something you cannot take away, nor do something about…

For weeks, I deferred writing about what recently happened to me and my kids. While in the hospital after giving birth to my youngest, Kara felt sharp pain on the right side of her tummy. We thought it was just gas pain, or a worse kind of dysmenorrhea. But it wouldn’t let up, so she had an ultrasound. There, they saw a cyst on her right ovary. To be sure, she had an MRI and there, it was confirmed, she had a cyst. A few hours after that, she was inside the operating room of Makati Med to have her cyst removed. Unfortunately, her right ovary had to be taken out as well. While all these was happening, I was on my hospital bed, crying while praying endlessly. She was still too young to go through something as huge as this, and I was not by her side. Even if I wanted to be with her, I couldn’t as I was still recovering myself. It was killing me. Luckily, my family– my mom, papa, sisters and brother-in-law, as well as close relatives were all there with her, while Bong and his family was with me praying while the surgery was being performed on her. Needless to say, the operation went well and she recovered soon enough.

Things went well, until two weeks after when Jeremy had high-grade fever. It was on to Perpetual at first, then Asian Hospital next. The fever did not go away easily even while he was already confined in the hospital. We thought it was dengue but his platelet count was normal. And since I had to take care of Cassandra at home, I couldn’t be with my baby boy. It felt like dying all over again, not being able to do something to take away the pain. At the time, I told myself I would give everything to see him smile at me and have the old makulit and malikot Jeremy we all have gotten used to. Yet, it would take almost a week before the fever would finally go away. In the end, we were told it was just a viral infection.

During these times, I felt dried up due to too much crying. But what could a mother like me do? I knew I wasn’t doing anything to harm my babies yet they got sick. And even if I wanted to take their pain, it was just impossible to do this. Again, what do you do? You just accept the fact that motherhood brings with it so much joy, and so much more pain… because it does not matter whether it’s a few hours, a few days, weeks, months, years or decades, even…once you decide to be a mother, you become one and your life ceases to be what it once was…because once you become a mother, you are scarred forever…yet you would never wish for a life otherwise.

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